God calls Bill Gates, Bill Clinton and Boris Yeltsin to his office and says,
"The world will end in 30 days. Go back and tell your people." so Boris Yeltsin goes to the Russian people and says: "I have bad news and I have worse news. The bad news is that we were wrong ... there is a God. The worse news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Clinton goes on TV and tell the American people: "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that the basic family values upon which we have based our lives are right, there is a God ... The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates goes to his executive committee and announces: "I have great news and I have fabulous news. The great news is that God thinks I'm important. The fabulous news is that we don't have to fix any of the Microsoft's bugs."
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?" St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!""Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.
Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
I dreamt last night that I went to Heaven, and I met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. I asked him that since I arrived in Heaven if I could take a look around the place. St. Peter agreed, and even came along with me to show me around. We went a ways, until we met President Clinton, tied to one of the most ugliest beast you could ever, ever imagine. It was nearly human, probably about 95 years old, 5 inch thick glasses, grease just dripping off its body, muttering every now and then like a sick crow. We asked Willie why he was chained to this awful creature.
Willie replied: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I'm chained to this really ugly old thing as penance."
We wished President Clinton the best of luck, and moved on. A while later we met with none other than Elvis Presley, the King of Rock, and he was tied to another of the most ugliest creatures you could imagine, even worse than the first one. We asked Mr. Presley why he was chained to such an ugly thing.
The King replies: "Well, when I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins, and now I have to live with this ugly old monster for a while as penance."
We wished the King the best of luck, and moved on.
After a while we met up with Billy Gates, president of Microsoft. Billy Gates just so happened to be chained to one of the most gorgeous, luscious, and sexiest woman you could ever imagine, long blonde hair, blue eyes, long limbs, and a beautiful figure. So, we asked him why they were chained to each other like that.
The woman answered first: "When I used to live on Earth, I committed a number of sins..."